Only one week till the surgery. I feel a bit of a fraud because I feel so well - I have to keep reminding myself that now is the time to have this surgery, before complications set in. I have had so much support from people in the last couple of weeks, my head is spinning. I feel so touched and inspired by all those people who care. I never knew how much people cared.
In a way, I think people are more concerned about me because I am a single mum. If you're married people assume you are getting all the support you need. This wasn't the case when I was married though. I am definitely getting more support now. My whole focus was on him and his problems with alcohol and I ignored my own health. Years of stress led to my health suffering. I'm sure if I'd stayed in that marriage I would have had some major health crisis within 5 years. I was already heading that way.
Being single allowed me to turn my focus inward and listen to my body for the first time. For years I'd put my symptoms down to stress - the migraines, palpitations, fatigue, exhaustion etc. could all be blamed on stress. I was ignoring my body and driving it into further distress by over exercising, which was my response to stress. It worked short term, to help me feel better, but long term it affected my heart.
It's no surprise to me that I found out about my heart condition within a couple of years of separation and divorce - it is like a broken heart. But now I have the opportunity to fix my broken heart, even if it involves major surgery! (Just joking!) But seriously, I am in such a good place mentally that I feel ready to tackle this thing head on and not be in denial about it. You would think that I would be depressed and anxious, but I'm not. I've been through all that when I was in the last few years of marriage, and the year afterwards, so I know the signs to look out for if I become depressed after the surgery. Apparently it's extremely common. I won't hesitate to seek medical advice about it, because I've been through it before and it's not pretty.
The only sign I have at the moment is weird dreams and nightmares that wake me up, so I know that my subconscious mind is dealing with all the anxiety about surgery while I sleep. I've always been an insomniac so this is something I'm used to.
I'm reading a fantastic book by someone who has been through the journey of heart disease including open heart surgery. He deals with all the issues like depression, denial, etc. which is what a lot of other books seem to avoid. They only go into diet, stopping smoking, exercise etc. For those interested: "The first year. Heart disease," by Lawrence D. Chilnick. I've read a lot of books, and this one is great because it doesn't just relate to people who have heart disease from obesity, smoking and lack of exercise (which don't affect me), but for everyone who is at risk.
Heart disease is the biggest killer around the world - much bigger than cancer. The risk is growing because of our lifestyles and the thing that upsets me is that our western lifestyles are being adopted by many developing nations, and their risk is increasing along with their waistlines! Even that little island in Japan where they studied the population because of their longevity, their lifespans are decreasing probably because they have 11 Macdonalds restaurants on the island now!! What are we doing to ourselves!
If you're reading this, please look at your own lifestyle. I thought I wasn't at risk because I was so healthy, but I didn't realise that genetics is such a big risk factor. Don't be in denial - find out more about heart disease and look after yourselves and your family.
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