Leading up to the date of the surgery I was becoming more and more anxious. My main concern is that they would cancel the surgery due to bed shortages, ill health or other reasons. I was especially worried because I developed an ulcer in my mouth and the doctors are pedantic about oral health because an infection in the mouth can travel to the heart. I went to the G.P. and got a prescription for antibiotics and SM33 gel to try and heal the ulcer before the surgery, but it was still there on the day I was admitted.
The weekend before the surgery was very busy, with my son's 18th birthday party. My whole family was there and it was a wonderful, happy event with music, laughter and singing. My father and sister came from interstate & overseas, and they came home with us afterward so that they could look after my sons while I was in hospital. My sister was going to stay as long as I needed her.
I was admitted at 2p.m. on Wednesday 18th August, with the surgery scheduled for Thursday. I needed to have another chest XRay and a blood test, and an echocardiogram. The anaesthatist came and saw me and I told him of my previous problems with needing CPR after an angiogram and being awake during the failed closure with a graft. He reassured me that I would be asleep during the surgery!
The echo took a very long time - the first technician took an hour then she got her supervisor to check the results and he came in and spent another hour taking more films. When I had had the first echo in February, I had been facing away from the screen so it was fascinating to watch the images of my heart and she was kind enough to explain what they were showing.
The septum or wall between the atriums (top chambers) of the heart is meant to be straight but mine has a large bow in it - the atrial septal aneurysm. It bows from the right to the left and flops back and forth with each heart beat. The doctors were trying their hardest to get a good view of the aneurysm and the two holes on either side of it, and I had to move position several times while they dug the probe into my ribs while taking my breath, holding, breathing out & holding it.
By the time I got back to the ward I'd missed tea and was ravenous - all they could offer was tea and toast so I went wandering around the hospital trying to find a vending machine which took notes to no avail. My surgeon was waiting for me when I returned. I've been looking at your echo for the last two hours" he said.
"two hours? Why?" I asked.
He proceeded to explain that although I do have a defect in my heart the holes on either side are tiny and there is no danger of the aneurysm bursting or causing any problem in the future. The pressures in my atriums are equal which means that there is minimal blood flowing from one side to the other. In other words, the defect is not bad enough to need open heart surgery.
I was a bit shocked by this - I said why didn't I have an echo earlier, when I first saw him weeks ago - I'd organised my whole life for this and people have been worried about me, my sister and father had traveled to help me and they're pensioners ...
He said that it's routine to have an echo before the surgery and that obviously what had been there a few weeks ago was now gone. I suddenly clicked what he was telling me - I didn't need open heart surgery, now or EVER. My heart condition was something I can live with which won't cause me problems later in life.
I said to him, "How come the doctors at the previous hospital saw a large hole - they said it was 3.6cm?". He said that maybe when they tried to repair it, they caused a hole which had scarred over. In order to insert the graft through the ASD, they have to insert a probe and then blow up a balloon so that the graft can fit in there. He thinks that hole may have scarred over in the last few weeks on its own. He doesn't know for sure because he wasn't there, but I do recall that there was a lot of tension in the room while they struggled for 2 hours to make the grafts fit.
He said he would refer me to a cardiologist who would be able to offer me closure with a graft as part of a trial which is going to assess the effectiveness of closing ASD's for the treatment of migraine. I asked him if he would recommend me having the holes closed with a graft and he said "No way. It means having a device in your heart which can be displaced, get infected, have clots form around it. The abnormality in your heart will cause you no problems, many people have this same abnormality and don't even know it. I would leave well enough alone".
When he left I phoned my sons and they were shocked like I was, but then we realised the implications of it. No surgery! No 6 - 8 weeks off work unpaid! No stress over continuing heart problems. I began to realise that maybe a miracle had happened here. I had seen with my very own eyes in June, the blood crossing from one side of the heart to the other through a hole during the angiogram. I know there was a hole there. It seems like the hole had healed itself over the last few weeks.
All I can put it down to is that I have been inundated with messages of support, people all over the world have been praying for me and sending me healing thoughts. Over the last few weeks I have been feeling really well - in fact I felt like a bit of a fraud having open heart surgery when I felt so well. I do believe that if many people focus on one person for healing, and they pray for them or send messages in support of healing, that person can heal. I'm proof of that. The surgeon can't explain it, all I know is, a few weeks ago the situation was pretty bad: if I didn't have this surgery my health would suffer so much over the next few years, and in 10 years I'd be so sick I wouldn't be able to have the surgery. Now he tells me that there is no pressure difference in my heart, the blood flow is minimal from one side to the other, and it won't affect my health in the future.
I don't know what to say: all I know is, I'm healed. A miracle has happened. Believe it or not, but I have faith that this can happen and I am proof of that. Positive thinking definitely has something to do with it too. If you notice, my non-de-plume is "my healthy heart" because right from the start that was my aim - to have a healthy heart. I haven't let my situation get the better of me. I released control of the situation and left it in God's hands: whatever His plan is for me, bring it on. This is all part of my life's journey and I have learned a lot from it.
The most important lessons I've learned are how important my family and friends are to me. Nothing else matters. Possessions, external things like looks, anything. I learned to focus my attention on myself more and that may sound self centered but I needed to do that in order to get well. In the process I became more of myself - before this I tended to stretch myself thin worrying about other people and what they thought of me. I learned to slow my life down and not go at a million miles per hour and how much better I feel doing that. I learned how strong my kids are - they have grown up so much this year and they impress people with their maturity.
I hope this story inspires people to look after their health more, and that healing is possible with positive thinking and the support of others. That was the aim of writing this blog in the first place. I thought I'd be writing about my recovery from open heart surgery but instead I'm writing about more spiritual matters. Even if you're not spiritual you can get something from this I hope, the message being that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Read some books about this kind of thing, even "The Secret" tells you how to attract what you want into your life. There are many more books like that one that talk about the power of positive thinking.
So I will now be followed up with 6 monthly echocardiograms to assess my heart, and consultations with the cardiologist. I can stop thinking of myself as someone with a heart condition and get my life back to how it was, with some modifications of course: no crazy, stressful lifestyle for me. I enjoy the slower pace. I intend to focus more on my daily walks, and take up yoga again and meditate more often. I may get back into swimming and cycling but I won't do the heavy workouts again. I can get my life back and look forward to a long healthy future.
I probably won't be writing any more blogs unless there's some update which changes things. Look after yourselves and learn about healthy hearts - remember that heart disease is the biggest killer worldwide. Living life the "healthy heart" way is beneficial for everyone.
Thank you to all the people who have prayed for me or sent me messages of healing and support, you truly caused a miracle.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
One week to go!
Only one week till the surgery. I feel a bit of a fraud because I feel so well - I have to keep reminding myself that now is the time to have this surgery, before complications set in. I have had so much support from people in the last couple of weeks, my head is spinning. I feel so touched and inspired by all those people who care. I never knew how much people cared.
In a way, I think people are more concerned about me because I am a single mum. If you're married people assume you are getting all the support you need. This wasn't the case when I was married though. I am definitely getting more support now. My whole focus was on him and his problems with alcohol and I ignored my own health. Years of stress led to my health suffering. I'm sure if I'd stayed in that marriage I would have had some major health crisis within 5 years. I was already heading that way.
Being single allowed me to turn my focus inward and listen to my body for the first time. For years I'd put my symptoms down to stress - the migraines, palpitations, fatigue, exhaustion etc. could all be blamed on stress. I was ignoring my body and driving it into further distress by over exercising, which was my response to stress. It worked short term, to help me feel better, but long term it affected my heart.
It's no surprise to me that I found out about my heart condition within a couple of years of separation and divorce - it is like a broken heart. But now I have the opportunity to fix my broken heart, even if it involves major surgery! (Just joking!) But seriously, I am in such a good place mentally that I feel ready to tackle this thing head on and not be in denial about it. You would think that I would be depressed and anxious, but I'm not. I've been through all that when I was in the last few years of marriage, and the year afterwards, so I know the signs to look out for if I become depressed after the surgery. Apparently it's extremely common. I won't hesitate to seek medical advice about it, because I've been through it before and it's not pretty.
The only sign I have at the moment is weird dreams and nightmares that wake me up, so I know that my subconscious mind is dealing with all the anxiety about surgery while I sleep. I've always been an insomniac so this is something I'm used to.
I'm reading a fantastic book by someone who has been through the journey of heart disease including open heart surgery. He deals with all the issues like depression, denial, etc. which is what a lot of other books seem to avoid. They only go into diet, stopping smoking, exercise etc. For those interested: "The first year. Heart disease," by Lawrence D. Chilnick. I've read a lot of books, and this one is great because it doesn't just relate to people who have heart disease from obesity, smoking and lack of exercise (which don't affect me), but for everyone who is at risk.
Heart disease is the biggest killer around the world - much bigger than cancer. The risk is growing because of our lifestyles and the thing that upsets me is that our western lifestyles are being adopted by many developing nations, and their risk is increasing along with their waistlines! Even that little island in Japan where they studied the population because of their longevity, their lifespans are decreasing probably because they have 11 Macdonalds restaurants on the island now!! What are we doing to ourselves!
If you're reading this, please look at your own lifestyle. I thought I wasn't at risk because I was so healthy, but I didn't realise that genetics is such a big risk factor. Don't be in denial - find out more about heart disease and look after yourselves and your family.
In a way, I think people are more concerned about me because I am a single mum. If you're married people assume you are getting all the support you need. This wasn't the case when I was married though. I am definitely getting more support now. My whole focus was on him and his problems with alcohol and I ignored my own health. Years of stress led to my health suffering. I'm sure if I'd stayed in that marriage I would have had some major health crisis within 5 years. I was already heading that way.
Being single allowed me to turn my focus inward and listen to my body for the first time. For years I'd put my symptoms down to stress - the migraines, palpitations, fatigue, exhaustion etc. could all be blamed on stress. I was ignoring my body and driving it into further distress by over exercising, which was my response to stress. It worked short term, to help me feel better, but long term it affected my heart.
It's no surprise to me that I found out about my heart condition within a couple of years of separation and divorce - it is like a broken heart. But now I have the opportunity to fix my broken heart, even if it involves major surgery! (Just joking!) But seriously, I am in such a good place mentally that I feel ready to tackle this thing head on and not be in denial about it. You would think that I would be depressed and anxious, but I'm not. I've been through all that when I was in the last few years of marriage, and the year afterwards, so I know the signs to look out for if I become depressed after the surgery. Apparently it's extremely common. I won't hesitate to seek medical advice about it, because I've been through it before and it's not pretty.
The only sign I have at the moment is weird dreams and nightmares that wake me up, so I know that my subconscious mind is dealing with all the anxiety about surgery while I sleep. I've always been an insomniac so this is something I'm used to.
I'm reading a fantastic book by someone who has been through the journey of heart disease including open heart surgery. He deals with all the issues like depression, denial, etc. which is what a lot of other books seem to avoid. They only go into diet, stopping smoking, exercise etc. For those interested: "The first year. Heart disease," by Lawrence D. Chilnick. I've read a lot of books, and this one is great because it doesn't just relate to people who have heart disease from obesity, smoking and lack of exercise (which don't affect me), but for everyone who is at risk.
Heart disease is the biggest killer around the world - much bigger than cancer. The risk is growing because of our lifestyles and the thing that upsets me is that our western lifestyles are being adopted by many developing nations, and their risk is increasing along with their waistlines! Even that little island in Japan where they studied the population because of their longevity, their lifespans are decreasing probably because they have 11 Macdonalds restaurants on the island now!! What are we doing to ourselves!
If you're reading this, please look at your own lifestyle. I thought I wasn't at risk because I was so healthy, but I didn't realise that genetics is such a big risk factor. Don't be in denial - find out more about heart disease and look after yourselves and your family.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
2 weeks till I join the zipper club!
I'm just focused on keeping healthy at the moment, because if I have an infection my surgery will be canceled. That's pretty hard when I work in a hospital, but I'm scrubbing my hands a lot more and taking zinc-vitamin C- echinacea-garlic tablets daily. I'm keeping a positive outlook and walking every day. What more can I do? All year I've been minimizing my stress levels, knowing what effect it has on my heart.
I used to exercise really hard - I was training for a triathlon in November '09 when I became really fatigued. I thought it was because I was training 5 times a week, and that I was just tired, but it never really went away. Since I stopped all the hard workouts at the beginning of the year, I feel much more relaxed. I used to exercise for an hour in the morning, go home and cook a meal, then work 8 hours. I always felt tired and stressed from pushing myself so hard.
I miss the exercise, especially the social and fun aspects of it, but I don't miss the injuries, muscle aches and pains and the feeling of being stressed or rushed. Just having a daily walk has helped me maintain my weight, and I feel much more at peace because I have time to smell the roses. People tell me I'll get back into fitness and sport after the surgery, but I don't know if I want to work that hard again. Exercise became a bit of an obsession for me - a bit addictive. It's nice to not be compelled to do something, or feel agitated because you don't get your "fix". I mean, I ignored my symptoms for months, if not years, and if I'd kept going at that pace I probably would have died!
I've been given the rehab programme by the hospital and I think it's aimed at elderly people, or people whose health has been compromised for a long time. I'm hoping to get back to work in 6 - 8 weeks after the surgery, but if I followed their programme I wouldn't get back for 5 or 6 months!! I think I'll have to be guided more by the surgeon as to how fast I can get back to normal activity. It will be hard to slow down to nothing! I start at the cardiac rehab officially after 4 weeks, and I'm looking forward to that. It'll be nice to get back into exercise, and it will be supervised so it'll cut down on the fear of overdoing it.
I don't think "why me?" - why has this happened to me, of all the family. I was the one who looked after myself. I think "why not me?". I'm the one in the family who is best equipped to deal with open heart surgery. The thing is, they could all have this too and not know it. The symptoms are pretty subtle and doctors don't seem to pick up on them. Plus you can live for years with an ASD and not know it till you're in your 40's, 50's or 60's. I really hope none of them have it as well - imagine a whole generation or even multiple generations who have to go through open heart surgery. Scary thought. When I'm through all of this I'll have to look into getting my sons tested - the older one had a heart murmur at birth which went away and then he had a different heart murmur, so he could have heart problems. But by the time they start causing him difficulties medicine will have advanced so far that he probably won't need open heart surgery.
My philosophy on life is that we're on a journey, life is a learning experience. I was always a bit of a control freak, but I've had to let go of all control - so much of this is out of my control anyway so why try and manipulate the situation? I just leave it in God's hands and let everything unfold as it is meant to be. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing, and that everything will turn out OK for me and my family. That has given me peace of mind and allowed me to go with the flow - life is so much better this way.
I used to exercise really hard - I was training for a triathlon in November '09 when I became really fatigued. I thought it was because I was training 5 times a week, and that I was just tired, but it never really went away. Since I stopped all the hard workouts at the beginning of the year, I feel much more relaxed. I used to exercise for an hour in the morning, go home and cook a meal, then work 8 hours. I always felt tired and stressed from pushing myself so hard.
I miss the exercise, especially the social and fun aspects of it, but I don't miss the injuries, muscle aches and pains and the feeling of being stressed or rushed. Just having a daily walk has helped me maintain my weight, and I feel much more at peace because I have time to smell the roses. People tell me I'll get back into fitness and sport after the surgery, but I don't know if I want to work that hard again. Exercise became a bit of an obsession for me - a bit addictive. It's nice to not be compelled to do something, or feel agitated because you don't get your "fix". I mean, I ignored my symptoms for months, if not years, and if I'd kept going at that pace I probably would have died!
I've been given the rehab programme by the hospital and I think it's aimed at elderly people, or people whose health has been compromised for a long time. I'm hoping to get back to work in 6 - 8 weeks after the surgery, but if I followed their programme I wouldn't get back for 5 or 6 months!! I think I'll have to be guided more by the surgeon as to how fast I can get back to normal activity. It will be hard to slow down to nothing! I start at the cardiac rehab officially after 4 weeks, and I'm looking forward to that. It'll be nice to get back into exercise, and it will be supervised so it'll cut down on the fear of overdoing it.
I don't think "why me?" - why has this happened to me, of all the family. I was the one who looked after myself. I think "why not me?". I'm the one in the family who is best equipped to deal with open heart surgery. The thing is, they could all have this too and not know it. The symptoms are pretty subtle and doctors don't seem to pick up on them. Plus you can live for years with an ASD and not know it till you're in your 40's, 50's or 60's. I really hope none of them have it as well - imagine a whole generation or even multiple generations who have to go through open heart surgery. Scary thought. When I'm through all of this I'll have to look into getting my sons tested - the older one had a heart murmur at birth which went away and then he had a different heart murmur, so he could have heart problems. But by the time they start causing him difficulties medicine will have advanced so far that he probably won't need open heart surgery.
My philosophy on life is that we're on a journey, life is a learning experience. I was always a bit of a control freak, but I've had to let go of all control - so much of this is out of my control anyway so why try and manipulate the situation? I just leave it in God's hands and let everything unfold as it is meant to be. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing, and that everything will turn out OK for me and my family. That has given me peace of mind and allowed me to go with the flow - life is so much better this way.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Support systems
I have the most amazing friends - they are the ones who stuck by me when I was going through my divorce. My friends have been my main support system because my family lives interstate or overseas. Last year I had to have a biopsy of two breast lumps which were found on a routine ultrasound - Marilyn came and supported me through that, and has been there for many many other difficult times. Brenda has been there to drive me and pick me up from hospital - she arrived at the hospital just after the staff had resuscitated me after an angiogram, and the look on her face brought it home to me how serious the situation was. Both of these friends have had parents who have gone through open heart surgery, so it's pretty confronting for them watching me go through it, but their support has been amazing.
Over the last through years my life has changed incredibly but the only constant has been my job. It's reassuring to know that it will stay the same. I can feel normal there!! Working with nurses is great - they are trained to support people, and most of them are drawn to the profession because of their caring nature. They are always there to give me a hug or to say the right thing, and their advice is always right on target. My boss was the first one to know about this apart from my best friends, and she has been really supportive of me.
My family, although separated by distance, has given me great support this year. I think it has brought us closer together. I've had fantastic conversations with each one of them and even though our outlook on life is different, it's good to know my family are there. My sister is going to drop everything to come and look after me and my boys which is fantastic.
My sons, young as they are, have been my rocks. They have really matured this year and they have stepped up to the plate. Dan is learning to cook and bake and Jordan has taken over a lot of the taxi service (dropping me & Dan at work and school) and the gardening. I'm incredibly proud of them. Dan's school has been supportive of him as well which is awesome.
I've had support from unexpected sources: Facebook has put me in touch with people I grew up with who I haven't seen in about 25 years, and some of them have sent me really supportive messages. People are so caring. I tend to withdraw into myself when I'm going through a hard time but I'm learning to reach out more. The support is out there when you need it, you just have to ask.
Thanks to all these people and to others I may have forgotten. I will always be grateful.
Over the last through years my life has changed incredibly but the only constant has been my job. It's reassuring to know that it will stay the same. I can feel normal there!! Working with nurses is great - they are trained to support people, and most of them are drawn to the profession because of their caring nature. They are always there to give me a hug or to say the right thing, and their advice is always right on target. My boss was the first one to know about this apart from my best friends, and she has been really supportive of me.
My family, although separated by distance, has given me great support this year. I think it has brought us closer together. I've had fantastic conversations with each one of them and even though our outlook on life is different, it's good to know my family are there. My sister is going to drop everything to come and look after me and my boys which is fantastic.
My sons, young as they are, have been my rocks. They have really matured this year and they have stepped up to the plate. Dan is learning to cook and bake and Jordan has taken over a lot of the taxi service (dropping me & Dan at work and school) and the gardening. I'm incredibly proud of them. Dan's school has been supportive of him as well which is awesome.
I've had support from unexpected sources: Facebook has put me in touch with people I grew up with who I haven't seen in about 25 years, and some of them have sent me really supportive messages. People are so caring. I tend to withdraw into myself when I'm going through a hard time but I'm learning to reach out more. The support is out there when you need it, you just have to ask.
Thanks to all these people and to others I may have forgotten. I will always be grateful.
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