Extract from my diary 13/5/10: "Wow, if only the kids knew how close I was to dying yesterday - I totally down-played it so that they don't freak out. Funny thing is, I don't feel like it was my time - I didn't see the bright light or go through a tunnel or anything although I did dream, but don't know what. Maybe I'm in shock and it hasn't hit me the reality of it but I don't think I was in any danger at that point. I just feel that I'm meant to be here for a long time more. My soul could have chosen that moment to go back to heaven but it didn't. If I'd been at home or even in the carpark or lift it would have been a different story but I wasn't.
I went up for my right heart studies at 7.30a.m. and thought I'd be there half a day. I told them I couldn't be picked up till 3pm so they bumped me to the end of the list then a couple of ambulances came in so I got delayed even more so it wasn't till 1p.m. that I got on the table. Then the Professor decided to do an angiogram as well so the procedure took an hour and they had to give me heparin (blood thinner) so the sheaths had to stay in for an hour or so (they put one in my femoral artery and one in the femoral vein - they are threaded up to the heart to enable the doctors to visualise the internal structures of the heart). The procedure wasn't pleasant - I was wide awake and could feel the wires going into my heart and my cardiac rhythm kept changing.
I had to lie flat for another 3 hours so all up 6 hours flat and only had one sandwich and 2 cups of apple juice all day. Also I got a migraine post-procedure so had a dose of IMI pethidine (narcotic) and maxalon for that. At 5p.m. they started sitting me up ready to discharge me when I felt a sharp stab in my groin and told the nurse - he applied pressure to the site which was bleeding. I said "I feel faint ... really faint" ... next thing I'm waking up and the nurses are putting the defib pads on my chest and an oxygen mask on my face and they're saying "she's back!". end of extract
Apparently I had a vasovagal episode (severe faint) and my heart went into complete heart block (stopped beating) for 2 minutes. I needed chest compressions and atropine to bring my heart rhythm back, it slowly returned and my heart rate was 38 after 2 minutes. It's routine procedure these days to do chest compressions even if there is some cardiac output to support the heart and keep the blood circulating to the vital organs. Even so, if I hadn't still been in the cardiac cathetar lab. recovery I probably wouldn't have had such a good outcome. I spent the night in CCU, monitored, and my heart rate remained steady but slow overnight. All my blood tests and ECG were normal the next morning so I was allowed to go home.
The Chest Xray showed I didn't have a broken rib from the CPR, but my chest felt like an elephant had sat on it for the next week or so. Even with pain killers I ended up on antibiotics for my chest because I have asthma, and breathing deeply was so painful.
Psychologically, for the next week I was euphoric - coming that close to death, but being spared, put me on a "high". At the same time I was convinced I was going to die. There were no "what if's" - just an absolute conviction that I would die during my next hospital admission, or that I would have a heart attack on the street. That feeling didn't go for a few weeks and it was quite weird. After the euphoria came the depression - just as I had to return to work. My first shift back I was walking up the hallway towards the nurses' station and I had to stop, I was pale and shakey and felt like I was going to pass out. I wasn't "myself" for a few weeks, in fact probably 4 or 5 weeks afterwards.
I felt at the time that I wasn't ready to die - I hadn't prepared my boys for it in any way. I wrote letters to them and my friends to be opened in the event of my death. Everything faded away in importance, apart from my sons and my family and friends. All those things that worried me or seemed so important before did not matter at all. I actually get really pissed off with myself that I had previously spent so much time worrying about external things when they don't matter if your heart isn't working properly. Last year I got braces on my teeth because I always hated the sight of my crooked teeth. That decision has meant that I am tied up into a contract until the middle of next year - two years altogether. All the time and money I spent on "looking good" over the years I now feel is a waste and I would give it all away to have my health back again.
I chose not to tell my boys that I had nearly died - I told them I had fainted in hospital so they kept me overnight. However, they overheard me telling a friend on the phone and they were so angry with me that I hadn't told them the truth. I have been completely upfront with them since then because they told me they want to know everything. I still wouldn't have told them if I had the choice - I feel that at 15 and 17 they're too young to be burdened by the worry of their mother having a heart condition which could have killed her. By trusting them with this information, they are less angry about it and they can come to me and ask me questions like "what will happen to me if you die?". It is a real fear for them because I'm a single mother. I've definitely noticed them becoming more mature this year - it makes me really proud, but sad as well that they have to go through this.
No comments:
Post a Comment